How do some people manage to build a better life than the childhood environment they grew up in while others continue the destructive family patterns they knew as a child?
“A lot of my drive was an effort to protect myself and escape from experiences I saw and wanted no part of. More often than not, you need to get a college degree; education is the first step in breaking the cycle.” — Dr. Heather Bouchey, Director, Patrick and Marcelle Leahy Center for Rural Students
In high school, I was always impressed by one particular girl. We were in all the AP classes together. Although we hung out in different crowds (she was a cheerleader; me a soccer player), I always considered her my friend. Her smarts and drive to be the very best she could be resonated with me— especially considering her background.
Heather Bouchey grew up in a low-income family. Throughout her childhood, her family was on welfare. She lived in a subsidized housing project. Her family environment was that of never-ending substance abuse and total chaos. I always wondered how she managed to thrive in high school. I hate to say this but I need to make a point— most kids who came from this housing project did not wind up in AP classes. Not because they didn’t have the potential. Rather, it was quite the opposite. While they certainly had the potential, their childhood environment made it more difficult for them to achieve this, although not impossible as Heather has proved. Most kids in our AP classes had parents who were doctors and lawyers. It was expected that they would do well in school and go on to college. But no one in Heather’s family had ever attended college so how did Heather end up at an Ivy League college and go on to earn her Ph.D.?
Although I always wondered what motivated her, as high school classmates we never discussed her family life or where she lived. Now, nearly 25 years later, I was finally brave enough to ask Heather how she did it.
Luckily, Heather was born with the love of reading and learning. You could say this stemmed from her father who was naturally “book smart” and her mother who was an avid reader and encouraged Heather’s love of the written word. Heather poured herself into books and learning as a way to protect herself.
“I had a lot of internal motivation”, states Heather. “My drive was an effort to protect myself and escape from experiences I saw and wanted no part of. I was lucky in a sense that reading and learning came easy for me and I used it to my advantage”.
Heather’s peers in high school were quite different than most of the kids where she came from. A lot of Heather’s friends and peers were kids from high-income families. “Intellectually, that was where I fit in,” states Heather. “They were kind enough to let me in their circle and let me run around with them in school”.
Heather not only had book-smarts and got in with the right crowd which stimulated her intellectually, she also had incredible support. This is not to be underrated. Heather had teachers who encouraged her; teachers who knew her background and saw her potential. And Heather’s mother also believed in her potential and was there for her every step of the way.
“My mom gave me incredible support”, says Heather. “She encouraged me to get out. Unlike herself who was afraid to leave, she didn’t want to hold me back. I always knew how proud she was of me.”
Heather graduated among the top in our high school class and found herself on the campus of Cornell University. Heather made it to the Ivy League. When she first stepped foot on campus she experienced a bit of culture shock. She not only felt like a tiny fish in a big sea; she was swimming in a big ocean with a lot of fish that had a lot more privileges than she did. Once again, Heather found herself immersed in a group much different than her home life.
“I was always running with a crowd very different than my upbringing’, states Heather. “But I’ve always had a personality that allowed me to adapt and that suited me well.”
Heather had her sights on becoming a pediatrician. However she realized that she did not have the passion for it. In her junior year, she took a class in developmental psychology. This class proved to be pivotal in her career path. “I loved this class”, said Heather. “I realized there was another field out there that really interested me”.
Heather quickly switched majors. This move put her behind the curve with the number of classes she would need to take in order to complete her psychology degree in four years. So she did the only thing she knew how to do— she pushed hard and forged ahead without looking back and managed to earn her B.S. in Human Development/Family Studies in just four years.
“In hindsight, I wish I would have given myself permission to finish my degree in five years but at that time my internal drive in an effort to create a better life pushed me forward at a fast pace”, explains Heather. I wasn’t looking back.”
Heather knew she was on the right path as she pushed forward earning her Masters degree. She would continue her love of working with children— not as a pediatrician but as a counselor. As she’d done in high school, Heather found great support in some really great teachers. They mentored her. They got her thinking about earning her Ph.D.; something she never considered up until then.
“At that point in my life, everything just seemed to click”, says Heather. “I found my intellectual niche. I’m a curiosity seeker; I seek information and this path was perfect for me.”
Heather earned her Ph.D. in Developmental Psychology from the University of Michigan and found herself working as a professor at a prestigious east coast institution for eight years. She finally felt like she had made it. She’d found success. She was on a tenure track at a research university— the gold standard for any university professor. She was teaching graduate students while at the same time satisfying her love of learning and curiosity seeking by doing important research work.
However, sometimes life and circumstances have a different plan; steering the course of a career path. Heather wanted a child and realized that becoming a mother would be a risk to her career. At the same time, she was not finding the support for her tenure case and the tone at the university was changing— pushing Heather further away from her internal compass.
“I didn’t realize at the time how miserable I had become”, states Heather. “To get to where I was at, I had to give up a lot. I realized that my job as a professor at that institution was no longer a good fit for me.”
Sometimes it takes a leap of faith to find a career that speaks to your soul. Heather left her job as professor, a position she had her sights set on for years, to take the position as Director of the Leahy Center in Vermont. “I took a leap of faith with this career transition and I love it”, states Heather.
You could say this move has brought Heather full circle in her life. You see the Leahy Center’s mission is to change the factors that influence rural, modest-income, first-generational students’ educational and occupational aspirations. I cannot think of a person more qualified to lead this cause than Dr. Heather Bouchey.
At age 40, Heather is living her best life both as a mother and as an advocate for low-income, rural, first generational college students. Part of this has to do with what Heather refers to as “checking in with herself”. She now pays attention to what’s important in her heart and puts less stock in what others say she should be doing. She also is now able to bring kindness and compassion to herself— something she has struggled with in the past.
“Looking back, I always internalized class issues; I was always embarrassed by it”, states Heather. “Now I realize that it was out of my control and I feel blessed about my situation. I am grateful for the love and support I had. My childhood situation made me who I am today and gives me a deep understanding of the dynamics at play for the students I now advocate for.”
I am proud of my friend. Her drive and motivation continues to inspire me to this day.
“I used to be afraid of life’s challenges,” says Heather. “Part of my motivation was fear of failure. I was on a fast track moving full steam ahead to escape my childhood environment.”
“But I’m not afraid anymore”.
I've discovered many things from Heather's journey. I hope you did too.
- No matter your background or station in life, you have the ability to make a better life for yourself. It's up to you and noone else.
- Really listen to your internal compass. It's important to listen to mentors and to take advice, however ultimately you know what steps are best for you. Sit still and listen to the tiny whispers that will point you in the right direction.
- It's ok to slow down and appreciate you. In fact, you owe it to yourself to celebrate you.
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